So there is so much that I want to say, that rumbles around in that incredible mind of mine, that I see inspiring and envision changing lives, and yet I don’t say these things.
So at this very moment, my older daughter just walked in. Ah, it’s always perfect timing. Seems like everytime I get settled “in the zone,” a kid pops in. Motherhood, there’s a lot that I’d like to say that I sure don’t or haven’t spoken of. A big reason is I have carried around this “I’m a fake mother” belief and it’s really not a kind one. It’s discredited my emotions and leads me down some dark paths.
Anyway, back to the now, she comes in and this time I give her my undivided, engaged listening. She’s coming to ask my advice I realize in the end. And I am soooo grateful I wasn’t acting burdened dealing with her or short, looking for an “out”, so I can get back to work. (That would be this post in this case.) I am so proud of me that I was kind to her and also I did attract her there, I just didn’t appreciate the timing. Hey – guess what? I can now establish and be grateful that from now on my experience is that when the kids want my attention, I always feel grateful and react with love. Ooh, really going to hold onto this, react with love when kids enter. 🙂
Sooooo…. that was that kind of stuff I want to write about. I have it in my head and really want to feel uninhibited. Talking yesterday, I realized one of the biggest obstacles in saying what I want to has been that after writing on my blog for a year or more, I discovered my mom had read it. OMG, those feelings of shame and hiding me and my opinions to be this perfect child syndrome rose its head. Mom, I love you, though I am not at the stage to be able to hear your opinions on my website currently so please don’t tell me or anyone if you’re reading this. xoxo, it’s a parent-child thing and I want to be able to share my thoughts on here unfiltered while I’m overcoming this.
Ahh, another belief is what will others besides my mom think of me. I made up a lot in my head about what other parents think of me at my kid’s schools. “I am a bad parent because of this and this and this…” and if I share myself and my thoughts they’ll know. And of course, my kid reflects on me so they’ll be critical of her. I was raised hearing that a lot and it was a big weight worrying about how other people will judge me because of my kids. So there came tons of self-doubts over my kids’ behaviors, though wait, I am a fake parent so I don’t have to take full blame. I definitely let myself of the hook and didn’t care since I’m a fake afterall. Geez, these are some not nice beliefs I’ve carried around by myself. I am so, so grateful I am worked and evolved a lot of these self-limiting beliefs. I am proud of where I’ve come in being a good mom and working towards being a great one.
And another huge point of anxiety and hiding myself is my cannabis use. See I am a medical marijuana patient yet I have felt just extremely defensive and also self-doubting in those regards. As I have come into my own about it, I feel at my core there is something lacking inside me that this cannabis unlocks. And I HATE THAT! I don’t like feeling that way, subject to a micro-dose of weed every 1-2 hours. Yet I am inspired and writing this post because of my Blue Dream and that’s the way it’s working for me. I feel such a sense of lack that I am unable to get this spark of inspiration without it. Grrr, this internal tug of war is really not fun.
Looking back over my life, my monumental positive movements have all been under the spark. Someone shared with me how it’s a privilege to have cannabis and I have really taken that to heart. It is a special privilege and I protect my lifestyle and my weed. Does it serve me? Or rather do I serve it? This is a complicated issue and I really want to share more about it. Hopefully, by me being open, more people can see just how cannabis helps and positively changes the world 🙂 Regardless of my internal conflicts, I choose daily micro-doses of cannabis right now because I am more happier, productive and more loving towards the world when I’m under the influence. I am grateful I can use and I have also learned what works best for me and take weed breaks when I don’t want to use it. It’s great because there’s no withdrawals or anything. It’s natural wellbeing and listening to internal cues.
So parenthood, cannabis, and then sex. Those are three of the major taboos I have a lot to say and been fearful to share. Then there’s finances – the heart of this website right? Well, considering I feel broke and stuck as not a millionaire, it’s been hard to write about something when I feel like a fraud. Yet, man, it’s these limiting financial beliefs that are really still eating me alive. For years.
The picture I hold in my mind is of me living in abundance yet don’t have the opulence around me and screaming for it. It’s what I’ve been striving for since I heard of Financial Freedom and escaping the rat race at 15. I want it! And as long as I want it, I will always WANT IT. UGHHHHH. Thanks to Law of Attaction I have to BE, DO and then HAVE. I have done so many exercises and beliefs and studying yet I am still holding myself back. I’m screaming, “IT’S NOT FAIR, IT’S NOT FAIR, IT’S NOT FAIR!!!” I want to be living that life NOW!
I “know” what to do yet I am not doing enough of it and being all I can be. And I know that by my results. I am not living in my dream house built on over 12 acres on an oceanfront farm in Kauai by August 14, 2017. It’s January 8, 2018, and I am a hair away from not being able to pay rent. So who am I to tell anyone how to obtain financial freedom?!
4 years ago I started this blog. And I started it with belief. And conviction I would be living in my house and be a financially free millionaire by 30. And I missed that mark and yet I haven’t stopped reaching for that goal, knowing every minute of inspired action brings me closer. Yet been drowning in a lot of negativity. I got myself out of my self-prophesizing failures, so why can I not have the other prosperous ones I see as well? I feel it right now, it’s this tug of punishment, that I don’t deserve it. I have not done enough to get my house and farm, so then I desperately take action that is fruitless.
Ahh, the key is the inspired action in line with my goal and feeling good, and then that’s the feeling and the action that this one brings comes with weed. Ahh, this tug of war again. And now as I’m writing this deciding to publish these words I don’t dare say, I know it’s a turning point. Martin Luther King Jr, Jesus, Napoleon Hill, all the masters start talking at some point. This is mine. I am a leader and an extremely positive powerful one. I am stepping up and sharing and this is enough, for now! One small step for me, a giant leap for humankind.
What influence for a change am I bringing? Teaching people how to awaken the ways to create freedom and happiness in their life. Am I free and happy? Yes, I am and yet I am seeking to increase it every day – and I KNOW I have done this for many years. My monetary numbers and even my happiness levels may be low, though I have always been very clear and definite about where I am going. I am a loving, giving financially free millionaire with multi-billion dollar companies and I have positively changed the world for generations through environment, animals and humans. Amen! Let’s get there now!